Family

Strength comes from pain

Today’s blog is a letter to my family although more so my parents regarding the top characteristics of a family and how/why it went so wrong for my family. Of course it’s including a little about my life and how I feel about missing these characteristics. If you’re new to my blog then you will know I am one of nine children with two parents. I currently have no relationship with any of my family other than my sisters who I have built and maintain a sister type relationship with. The rest of them who knows and this letter is to those members.

Dear Family,

Do you even know how to define that word? The dictionary defines family as ‘a group of people who are related to one another such as mother, father and children.’ So I guess we could say that family is those who are related to you by blood in one way or another. Although I suppose some reading this would argue that blood doesn’t make a family but instead it being those who show up and support you through life as you grow and develop. I mean most people would argue that one of the above was true if not both of them, but let me ask you a question…Who is your family when you don’t feel like you have either of these? I guess some of you will read that and be like of course you have the first definition of a family otherwise who the heck are we reading this? Well I mean I guess you are right but does sharing blood actually make us family. The simple answer here is NO. So you may say that I don’t have the usual family but the amount of foster parents and siblings I’ve had over the years surely they count and did the family job. Again I suppose in a way you are correct these people did take on this role but does that make them family. Anyway I’ll talk about that kind of family in another letter.

You see to me family is/are individuals you can ring up anytime of day or night. This could be for a simple chat about what is going on in life or it could be looking for guidance/advice about certain things. Ultimately though family are those who will be there for you at the end of the phone. I guess you’re thinking about that right now and realising this has never or rarely happened unless your my sisters. You see the truth here is that over the years you haven’t wanted to know or be there for this and so as I’ve grown up and entered adult life I have known that you’ve not wanted or couldn’t be bothered to have this and therefore it has never happened. Here is the point that my friends take over that role of being there for me day and night for a chat or guide. I mean can I call them like I would’ve done you? No I mean do I feel able to call them for a chat or advice? No! Do I at times have to just figure things out for myself? Yes! Do I at times sit down and wish that I had that person to call for the chat etc? Heck Yes! So you see when people say to me family are the ones there for advice or a chat at anytime I simply have to nod with them but remember deep inside this isn’t true for me!

Another thing people always tell me is that family are the ones who will always love you no matter what! Hmm I guess you wont be too shocked to know that this is one I laugh at all too often simply to stop the tears from flowing. Just read that bit again for me…I laugh to stop the tears! You see because from a young age you have shown and told me just unlovable I am. Yes all those times I’d be shouted at, physically hurt right up to you denying what you did to me and lets not forget to add in there the time you as my family (Parents) stood up in a court room and just told the judge to give custody of me over to the authority. Yup you read that and I mean if my very own parents and family don’t want or love me then why the heck is anybody else going to. I mean we won’t even go into the me not loving myself for goodness knows how many years but you can add that to the top of your list too. I mean you’d probably sit here and tell me that I had foster carers and others in my life growing up who loved me and well I can’t disagree with you there because I did. But the truth is they weren’t my family and how was I suppose to accept love from then when my own family couldn’t do it. To me a lot of these people got paid to love me and if they weren’t paid to love me they often felt sorry and bad for me so said they loved me due to not really knowing what to do. So yeah I guess the truth is family don’t always love you.

Growing up I was also taught a lot that family was a place of safety and where you would always be protected! Again here I’m not sure who taught you how to be a family because I’m a million percent certain that as a family we got the wrong end of this! I suppose in a way you did protect me but it was in your own weird way. Lets just say if you didn’t feel something was right or others were in the wrong you would certainly make it known to us and them, just maybe not in the right way. Then there’s the safety part and lets be honest I’d be lying if I sat here and said that our family unit and home was safe…I mean if it was I doubt my life would be what it is now and I certainly wouldn’t have had to grow up in care without my so called family. Luckily I guess when I did go into care I did at times get the safe home you were always meant to give me but it wasn’t guaranteed. The other thing was that after living with you no house or family given to me would be definite however instead would become small stop gaps were I learnt about what a family was and how it was safe but it would never last for me. You see the truth is that as you couldn’t give me that safety and protection nobody else could either until I learnt how to protect and keep myself safe because when I learnt to do that (which took its time) was when I would gain safety.

In any relationship communication is key and this I was always taught was a principle that was key in a family network! If I am being honest here I guess we could say that the communication within our family group was fairly good. I mean everyone always knew what was happening within the house as well as knowing who was in a out which was a massive thing with there being nine of us plus partners etc. So I suppose we could say that this was something we managed to do like any other family but now lets look at why our communication was so good as it certainly wasn’t due to us naturally. No instead the communication was strong so that the secrets and lies within the house would never be found out. I mean we often had to ensure that somehow we all had the same story for when being questioned by others not in the circle. See the real home life became some giant secret that couldn’t be let out because the moment it was the family would be destroyed. So instead the communication lines were strong but became many lies and secrets all tangled in a web in order to remain family. I guess we could say as a family we communicated well but just in a total mess and destroying manner. So we all sucked here too and yes I say all sucked, after all we all kept going with it all until we couldn’t go anymore.

Many people have taught me as I’ve grown up that a successful family is one who makes time to spend it together. As they do this they create memories which each member holds onto for a lifetime. No I don’t really know what to say about this one, I mean did we spend time together? Yes. Do we each have memories to hold onto for a lifetime? Yes. Are these good memories? NO NO NO. I can sit here and tell you that there were many occasions that we spent together as a family, Christmas and Easter every year being two of these days that would be very family orientated and a lot of memories would come from these. But the truth is although these times were spent as a family and memories were gained from them they weren’t always good. In fact I would say that the majority of these days would have ended in a argument between two members or worse of it would end in someone being hurt. It was almost like you’d wait in anticipation for something to go wrong, or an argument to start or even wait for the abuse to take place because it would. One of these three things would happen and if it was one of the first two then you knew that everyone was going to see or have to bare some of it even if that meant being chucked out the house until the argument / fight was over. So yeah family time did happen and we did spend time altogether but I can’t say it was a good thing!

So no matter what happens or what each member does I was also brought up by others telling me that families support one another and forgive when it is needed. Let’s look at the support thing first, I mean did you support me or my siblings. The answer here I can imagine you saying is yes, as parents/family we supported you to play instruments, get an education, to go to church etc. But now lets stop and think was this you as family supporting us with what we wanted or were these things each and everyone of us nine did?! Was it really supporting us or was it more being able to keep tabs of us all? Did you encourage us to have our own likes and interests other than TV programmes etc? The truth is as far back as I can remember the answer is no. I mean yes we all had hobbies but they were all similar or along the same lines as each others. There was no encouraging us to have our own interests unless it fitted into what you wanted for us as well as fitting it with the big family secret. Then we come to the forgive part and well again it is one of those I must laugh at otherwise I’ll cry. People tell me that no matter what family members go through they will always find a way to forgive one another….or NOT as the case may be. I mean this one kind of speaks for itself when still to this very day it is said by family members that everything that’s been said, the court cases, allegations and so much more has all been lies and that what we as children put you through can never be forgotten or forgiven. Although I guess this works the other way because I can also never forgive you for what you did to me. So I guess it could put out there massively that this encouragement and forgiveness family thing doesn’t fit in with us either.

I could go on and on here of what a family is supposed to look and act like but I guess each thing I find I will see how we managed to epically fail at it! You see I am now 27 years old and to me there is no such thing as family because I simply don’t have this unit people talk about. The truth for me is that there is only one person who is going to love, encourage, support, forgive me unconditionally and the honest answer is that’s me. Again it can be argued that I have sisters and brothers and two parents but the reality is I don’t because what you see as these individuals will be totally different for me. Yes these people are on the earth somewhere and yes some of them I have contact with but the idea and reality of a family simply doesn’t exist in my world. I had these people and I had this unit for the first years of my life but they were unable to do what they were supposed to do. They were unable to love, care, support, encourage, spend time with, give joy, create positive memories for me. Due to this I have become my own family and fulfil these things myself when I am able and well if I’m not able to then luckily I have a few odd people who are able to do it for me in these times.

I am signing of this blog with two reminder:

1 – Those of you who have a family unit cherish it, lean on it, love it and use it as much as you physically can because one day you may not have it and let me tell you this day will one of the most heart breaking days for you. It’s also something that you can never get back in the same way once it’s gone. Be grateful that you have it and can use it because someone out there is wishing for nothing more than a proper family unit to love and care for them! (If you can’t think of that one person who wishes for it then just think of me).

2 – Those of you who don’t have this family unit like myself then just remember how strong you are! Show yourself some love and forgiveness every now and again! You don’t always need a family unit but you are entitled to miss it and wish for it! But overall keep going because you’re doing a bloody good job, better than you think and often a better job than others even realise. The struggle is real and I get that and I’m here fighting and wishing with you.

All my Love

Simply Su XxxX

Broken family

Mum on mother’s day

Dear Mum,

So I guess another year has passed us by and we find ourselves at another Mothering Sunday, one of those days I detest for many reasons. The last mothers day we spent together is over fifteen years ago now and oh how so much has changed, well it has my end anyway. You see those many years ago I used to be thankful on this day for having a mum like you. I used to think you were the best mum ever but oh how times have changed. Granted now you are nowhere near the best mum ever but there are still a few things I have to be grateful for when it comes to having you as my mum.

First of all as my mum you brought me into this world. Now okay lets be honest there are definitely times when I wish you hadn’t bothered to do so, after all the pain and mess you created for me I certainly could’ve done without. But ultimately you gave me life, you gave me the body that I have, you gave me my siblings (again positive & negative here), you enabled me to walk on this earth and live this life. Some might say I’m wrong and that I’m walking this earth because of what I have done but let’s be honest without you I wouldn’t be here so we’ll give you that one.

Secondly I am grateful to you for teaching me what love is not. Growing up and still now many people talk about the love of a mother and how there is no love like it. Well I guess I can agree with the second part but not so much the first. As I sit and write this I think about the love you gave me, or the lack of it. Some will try and tell me that you did love me and you just showed it in a very odd way but you see over the years I’ve learnt that what you showed / gave me was not love. You see to me you try your very best not to hurt someone you love and if you do hurt them then you do all you can to apologise for it. Looking back all I can see is the hurt and pain you caused me from the moment I can remember right up until the time I was taken away. Then on top of this there was never an apology, nope not one even all the years later, in fact you’d tell me you believe you did nothing wrong. So you see you taught me what love is not.

Another thing you taught me is what inner strength is. Often I look back over the years of my life and wander how on earth I have got to where I am now but then I stop and realise the important bit in that thought is I. Yes I got through it, I pushed myself through it. Somehow there was something inside me that kept me going and got me through the turmoil of many years caused by you. It wasn’t until a little while back when I was diagnosed with FND that it clicked, the reason I had got to where I was was because I had pushed myself there and used my own strength to get me through the trials I faced. You see I often didn’t believe in my own strength but when I have to fight a disorder daily that I have because of what you did showed me that strength is real and I do have it inside me.

One of my biggest lessons you taught me was to rely on nobody but myself. From a young age we are all taught that a mothers love is like no other, that they will protect and care for their children and put them above themselves. For many years I was told this and to be honest still to this day people try and tell me about a mothers love. I mean I guess in ways they were right because the love I got from you really was like no other love. It was love filled with pain, neglect, hate and there was no care or protection there at all. Instead I sat there and watched you watch on whilst others hurt us. But the nail bitter here was the day you stood up and choose your husband over your children. This was the day which overall showed me that everyone has the ability to hurt you and ultimately the only person you have with you and looking out for you for the whole of your life is yourself. So thank you for teaching me to rely on myself.

So on this mothering Sunday I want to say thank you for all the little lessons you have given me probably without even knowing you did. However at the same time I want to say I miss you. Now don’t get this wrong I don’t miss the person you were or even are. No instead I miss having a mum, I miss being able to join in conversations about mum and family, I miss being able to share my accomplishments with my mum, I miss being able to call you on a bad day and rant about how unfair life is like my friends do, I miss walking through a door and having a home no matter where I’ve been or what I’ve done. Do you get it? So so many people in my life over the years have tried to be there and fill the role of a mum and don’t get me wrong I am so so grateful for each one of them but the truth is they’re not my mum and this is what I miss.

At the end of the day you will always be my mum and I will always be your daughter. I guess because of this I hope that as you hear about me from those around us that you are pleased. I hope that you can be happy that I am where I am and that you are proud of what I have become. The truth is I know what we will never be together and I know that you will never regret what you have done. This is enough for me to walk away from you and create my own life however I want you to know that I will forever hate you for what you put me through but I will also forever be grateful for the lessons you have taught me. You will always be my mum and that is never going to end but I hope one day you see and acknowledge the pain you have caused me along with many many others.

So I guess all that’s left to say is happy mothers day to the one person I can one million percent say doesn’t deserve to have a day like today.

Love

Simply Su

The truth behind Trauma

So i’m back…

The first thing to say I guess is that trauma no matter what form that takes from being in an accident etc to suffering abuse as I did is trauma and that trauma is valid and real of which nobody can take away from it. Trauma is bloody tough and takes hold in so many ways and no way is the right way or wrong way so you must deal with it however you need to!

Those who know me well and who have read some of my previous blog entries will know that I had what we call a traumatic childhood which then leaked into my late teens and early adult life. During these times I would often be told my life had been traumatic but nothing was expanded on and the truth behind traumatic/trauma was ever really explained to me. Due to this I thought it was about time we had some tough true talk on trauma and what it really does/is to those who have to go through it.

Throughout my life people have often said to me that those who go through trauma like I did turn out one of two ways. The first being that the trauma consumes them and therefore life becomes very tough to live out with some actually taking their own life to escape it. The second being that they work through the trauma in the right ways (whatever they may be) and afterwards move on with their life leaving the trauma in the past, giving themselves a new life to live without the trauma. The question from me though is do you really get a new life or do you get bogged down with it or is it something else? You see to me these are two ways trauma can impact and influence ones life but for me trauma is a process and one in which is different for each individual person. Do you really move on? Well obviously you do but at the same time no! Do you really want to escape it all? At times yes but at times no. Do you make yourself a new life? I mean you can try right! The honest truth from me is these questions will all have different answers and mean different things to each of us depending on where we are on our journey. Why? I say this because to me the trauma becomes a part of you, for some yes it’s a little bit of them, for others it’s a big bit of them whilst for some it becomes who they are and others it becomes who they are not. If this makes no sense to you keep reading to find out what the heck I’m saying and well if it makes sense keep reading too, you never know what you might find out.

Okay so let’s take the first way of trauma consuming us as a way of life after trauma. In my opinion as well as my own experience I would 100% say that this is something we have to go through. Trauma is bloody tough and at times it does consume you. For me I went through some years, in my teens and early adult life where in my eyes my life was trauma and no matter what I did or changed this trauma was going to control my life, it would always be there to knock me down if I ever tried to get up again. I would loose hours of sleep each night because if I shut my eyes I was back to where it all begun and therefore staying awake was a better choice. I would hang out with friends and be reminded of what I didn’t have because of this trauma and so I would spend my time locked away in my bedroom or causing arguments between me and my mates so that I didn’t have to have friends and constant reminders. (Big up to the few that put up with me no matter what). I would spend time trying to avoid conversations which would have anything to do with my feelings because the only feeling I truly knew and understood was pain and who really wanted to talk about that! After a while my experiences became who I was and I could see no positives around me. To me my life became no longer worth living, to me there was no way out of this other than death and to me I deserved nothing more than to die. For me at this point in my life all I wanted was for it to be over, with no more reminders of what had been, no more reminders of what my life should/could have been. Due to this if you’ve read my previous blogs you’ll know I tried to make it the end, to make it be gone, to make it over but despite my efforts this wasn’t to be. After further attempts on my life it became clear that this wasn’t going to be my way out and that maybe this was the wrong way out and I was going to become some tough girl who made it through leaving the trauma in the past and my childhood.

So that leads me onto option number two that many people would tell me that I would/should go onto make a new life for myself and not only would people tell me this many people believe that I have done this already! First of all I would like to make it clear that I have not made a new life for myself and neither have I pushed the trauma I went through into the world somewhere whereby it no longer impacts me. I mean yes I can come across as though I have it all together, my life planned out etc but lets be honest that’s just the bit you see. Growing up I had always focused on my education and this to me was always the key to getting away from what had happened to me and making my life my own. Was this a good idea? Honestly I don’t know but I do know that it meant I went through my school life capable of getting my GCSE’s, A Levels and then into a job that I wanted to do. As my education came to an end I realised that something wasn’t right and at the time I had no idea what this thing was but I knew it wasn’t normal. A little while later following another situation I found myself in I found myself visiting my GP. After a few GP visits I was referred to a psychologist which led to me seeing my GP and psychiatrist weekly for several years in order for me to create this new life that so many had told me I would have and come to terms with the trauma I had gone through. After a while people started telling me that they could tell I was happier and my life was starting to take shape. Due to this I begun to believe just like others that my new trauma free life was beginning and I finally had a way forward. I had started to believe it and so with this others did too. Thanks to the help of some professionals and those around me I started to get on with my life and believed that I had my new, happy life.

A little while later everything suddenly came crashing down and that’s when I learnt the truth behind trauma. You see I learnt that trauma was something that was never going to leave me and in fact was a part of me, you could move on from the trauma but it’ll still be there somewhere and this is okay. So I begun having severe headaches and double vision and so thinking nothing of it I booked an optician appointment thinking it was probably time I was due for one. The appointment was had and they decided I needed to be seen by an eye doctor due to the double vision being so severe for someone of my age (25 at the time). As you can imagine I went and saw this doctor a little while later again thinking nothing more of it. This doctor did some more tests as well as repeating some that the optician had done before contacting my GP and telling them I needed urgent medical care. So this was the point I begun to panic but continued to fight through it telling myself I got through a lot worse and little did I know that this phrase would soon become the slogan of my life. Anyway I was taken into hospital and over the period of a couple of months I was in and out of hospital having tests to try and find out what was going on. I begun to see eye specialists and neurologists who all agreed something wasn’t right, my vision was decreasing rapidly, my headaches got worse, I lost feeling in areas of my body with no clue as to why but after a while my local hospital had to admit defeat and sent me off to London to see some more specialist professionals. Again I went through further testing by these to see if they could get any answers whereby eventually they diagnosed fnd (There’s a whole other blog on this coming soon). With this diagnosed the next step was to try and figure out why my body had decided to do this and if we could stop it from happening. So I was packed off with some trial and error medications until we found some that worked to control some of my symptoms. If you know about fnd you will know that it is believed that those who suffer from it have a programming issue in their brains and nerves meaning that signals would get mixed up or even not get through at all and this is what was happening to me. Professionals suggest that there is usually a reason behind why our brains/body’s do this and at times finding the reason can alleviate the symptoms although it is not guaranteed. Due to this diagnosis my professionals involved believed that with help from a psychiatrist and neurologist we could get to a point whereby my symptoms would ease and I could live a fairly normal life of a 25/6 year old aided by some medication. So with this in mind I once again begun weekly sessions with a psychiatrist as well as my GP in order to work through things that had happened to me (trauma) and hopefully get my vision back along with some form of life.

We are now 15 months on from this agreement and recently everyone has admitted defeat. When I say defeat I don’t mean we have all given up with the chance of any of my symptoms getting better nor are we saying this is it and there’s no point in us continuing these paths of recovery. Instead what we mean is that at some point you have to asses the improvement and move on with your plan. Therefore after conversations with my GP, psychiatrist, neurologist and eye specialist the conclusion was that after all this time the trauma I went through is too embedded meaning that my brain was unable to fight back and push the signals through that it needed to. Due to this all we can do is hope that the medication I take will continue to control my symptoms whilst medical specialists work on the damage that has already taken place that we can aid as well as come to terms with the fact that in essence my brain has switched of / is closing some of it’s areas down.

So why has my brain done this? Some will tell me this has happened to me because I was an unlucky one, others will tell me it’s because of what I have been through whilst some will say I’ve done this to myself. For me I guess it could be a mixture of all three of these reasons, I mean there’s got to be an aspect of luck and then I have been through trauma and our brains deal with this in different ways and then I guess we could say it’s my own fault for spending so much time ignoring the trauma and not acknowledging it. If you want the logistics and medical jargon as to why my brains done this then read the blog I post in a few weeks but overall here are my thoughts. Trauma is a scary thing that in total honestly nobody knows the true depth of damage it can and does cause and the truth is it really does impact us all differently. However the one thing I do believe is that trauma is a process and the recovery (if you can call it that) is too. I believe that when we go through trauma our brains are altered and a process has to take place in order to get to a place in life where each of us are happy with who we are, I say who we are because I think the trauma we go through becomes a part of us. I mean the first 9 years of my life were riddled with trauma but I still had these 9 years of my life, they each took place and each year added to who I am and who I have become. Like I said at the start when I finally understood that I had gone through trauma I tried to push it away, I didn’t want to accept that this was what had happened to me (I mean who would)! Instead I lived my life pretending these years didn’t exist before eventually having to face it which then gave me a 180 turn and instead of focusing on making my life I focused on ending it. After some time of this I moved on further in my journey and decided I needed to address what happened so that I could make my life what I wanted it to be. Following this I believed I was in a place where my trauma no longer controlled me and my life was for the first time in it my own meaning that I could get on with what I wanted without trauma and my childhood holding me back. Then when I thought I was happy and the trauma was out of my life my brain decided to remind me of it and a whole new process begun (again that’s for another blog).

You see the truth is that you cannot just get rid of trauma or ignore it. The truth is also that there is no two pathways which you go down if you experience trauma. Instead the reality is that you create your own pathway and this may mean you do go through one of the pathways mentioned above but it may also mean that you don’t go through either of these meaning that you have your own individual path. Ultimately the reality is you have to get to a point where you accept or deny the trauma you have been through and work with yourself to make you who you want to be. The truth is the trauma you go through is never going to leave you it’s like a memory that you have and are reminded of every now and again as much as you wish at times it wouldn’t. This can happen in a huge variety of ways for example from daily nightmares to your brain closing down it’s pathways and this is totally normal and okay. You see we have to do what is best for us and what will protect us from having to live that trauma again. For me this means my brain rejecting signals and nightmares whilst for someone close to me it’s flashbacks when they encounter a similar situation to their trauma. Trauma is something that many in our world will never fully understand and those who do really get it have probably lived through something traumatic themselves.

So as I end this blog entry I say to you now that you have read a snippet of my trauma process where are you on yours and if you’ve not suffered trauma I ask you what will you do in order to make someone’s trauma process that little bit easier for them. Ultimately trauma is a very complex and personal journey with the truth being the majority of us don’t know how to respond to it. Each individual who has gone through trauma / a traumatic experience is going through their own trauma process and we cannot just overcome or get over it! Trauma becomes a part of us and at the end of the day makes us who we are. This my friends is the truth behind trauma!

Lots of Love

Simply Su XXXX

Remind yourself

Keep fighting because you’ve got this

#smearforsmear

So this month there is a big focus on Cervical Cancer Prevention as we go through Cervical Cancer Prevention Week (21st – 27th January) and therefore I thought I would dedicate a blog entry to this topic also to try and help raise awareness. I do not know about you but there has been a lot on social media recently discussing this topic and encouraging woman everywhere to go and have their smear test done from simple pictures promoting the #smearforsmear to Salons offering free waxing to those who book their test.

It is totally crazy to know that one in four women do not attend their screening appointment yet 75 percent of cervical cancers can be prevented by having the screening done and 2 women loose their life everyday YES EVERYDAY due to this horrible disease! Despite this though woman are still not attending these appointments or ignoring their letters but why? Why would woman rather risk their life than attend a five minute appointment? Many say that they are embarrassed, scared, don’t have time, painful, it wont happen to me etc and so many more excuses the list could go on and on. But  my question is are these excuses worth your health or even your life? Below are my thoughts and top tips around having a smear test of which I hope will help at least one person go for their test.

Getting the Letter.

Okay so a couple of months before you turn 25 as long as you are registered at a GP Surgery you receive a letter inviting you to attend a Cervical Screening Examination (also known as a smear test). The letter tells you how to book an appointment to have the test (see point 2) as well as coming with an information leaflet. My very first piece of advise would be to read the leaflet, I mean I am amazed at how many people don’t read the information leaflet when that tells you so much about the test. In reality I guess I can’t really speak as when I got my first letter I threw it on the side and didn’t look at it again. Actually I didn’t pay any attention to the leaflet until I was given another one at my GP Surgery at the end of another appointment. However once I had read through the leaflet everything became so much clearer. Finally I had a rough idea as to why we needed to have the test carried out and felt comfortable to talk to someone about having the test done. So my first piece of advise would be to read the letter and the information leaflet before you make any decisions.

Booking the appointment.

So once you have read the letter and information leaflet it comes to the time of booking your appointment to have your smear carried out. This I guess is where we start to worry and was certainly where my anxiety kicked in. In order to book the appointment the letter tells you to phone your local surgery and book an appointment with one of the nurses to have the test. Some people will just phone up and book the appointment for it to go ahead but what if you are anxious about having the test, I mean what do you do. Well my first piece of advice would be to ring up your surgery and book an appointment to go in and talk about the appointment. You see you can ask to have this appointment with a Doctor or nurse that you know and that you feel comfortable with. Then you can attend this appointment and discuss what your concerns are and at the same time the doctor or nurse can talk you through what will happen and maybe show you the tools they will use in order to carry out the procedure. Once you have had this appointment you can then book an appointment to have the Examination carried out and this can be with the individual you have just spoken too or a different one if you’d prefer. As you book the appointment you can also ask for a chaperone to be in the room with you, take someone you trust with you, ask for a double appointment so you have a little longer and don’t feel rushed to leave the appointment. The truth is you can do what you need to do in order to make the whole appointment more comfortable for yourself! I hated the idea of having my smear done and so had two appointments to talk to the doctor before I had my final one in order to have the smear test carried out. The thing is the most important thing is that you have the screening done so if it takes two or three appointments to get it done then that’s okay too!

What’s going to happen when I go for it.

Many people worry about what is going to happen when you arrive to attend your screening appointment and well if you haven’t spoken to anyone about it or been to one yourself before then I guess this worry is pretty normal in fact it’s totally normal. So when you get to the GP Surgery you sign in as normal to confirm that you have arrived. Once you have been called into the room the professional will ask you a couple of questions to gain a bigger picture these will include questions such as ‘when was your last period?’ ‘Do you feel any pain in your pelvic area?’ When the questions have been answered they will then explain what is going to happen during the test and then check that you are okay for the screening to continue. If you say no (which is totally okay!!) they may speak with you regarding your concerns and change of mind before you leave. However if you say yes you will be asked to go behind the curtain and remove any clothing below your waist before laying on the bed. A cloth or a piece of material will be given to you in order to cover yourself up. When you lay down the doctor or nurse will ask you to raise your legs up so that your feet are by your bottom and to relax. The more relaxed you are the quicker and easier the procedure will be. An instrument known as a speculum will then be inserted so that a good look at your cervix can be carried out. The professional will then take a swab of the cells on your cervix before removing the speculum. Once the speculum has been removed you are free to get dressed again before speaking with the individual. They will usually tell you when your results will be back as well as how you will get them. You will also be able to ask any questions that you have before leaving because that is it, the screening is over! Obviously as you go through the screening you can ask the professional to stop or pause at any point and if you find it too tough the first time you can leave it and book another appointment to try again. One thing I was told as I worried over my screening test was how it didn’t matter how many attempts it took to get the cells or even if we had to get the cells another way (Yes sometimes it’s possible to go about it another way, although you have to have pretty extreme circumstances such as severe pain in that area, higher percentage of having cervical cancer etc, but it is possible) the most important thing was that the test was carried out! It’s known that some women go to have the test done but for some reason cannot have it done on the day of their appointment and so don’t rebook it but let it go until they get a reminder sent to them. So my third tip would be to just take it one step at a time until you are ready to go ahead with it but don’t cause yourself more pain or hurt about it. Yes you need to have the test but you also need to be ready and relaxed to get the most reliable sample of cells!

Embarrassment 

Every time I hear a conversation or read an article about the Cervical Screening Programme I always hear or read the word embarrassed. In a recent study that was carried out it was found that 35% of women did not attend their screening because of embarrassment. Do you know what that says to me? That tells me that 35% of women are more concerned about what they look like and having someone look down there than they are about saving their own life! I mean what?!? Is that not totally crazy when we look at it this way. I mean do not get me wrong it is a little weird and odd to think about someone looking down there. We are brought up being told that this area is our private area and should only be shared with that certain someone yet you get into adulthood at 25 and are told wait there’s an exception to the rule because you need to be screened for possible cancer. It’s true that area is private and yes it can be embarrassing when someone else has to look down there but just for a moment lets thinks of it this way. How many women are there in the England, for this lets say there are 100 and then lets say with this there are 5 doctors to carry out the screening on these 100 women. How many women are these doctors going to see in order to carry out the screening, it’s 20. So each doctor will see 20 women and carry out their smear test, now do you honestly think that they are going to remember each individual and how they looked, if they had shaved, what their body shape was, if they smelt. Let me tell you the answer….no, they totally are not and why? Because they do not care, it is their job and this test is simply part of their job. All these 5 doctors have one aim at the end of the day and for each one of them it is the same…to get you the correct treatment for an illness as and when it is required and funnily enough it is exactly the same when it comes to having your smear test. So if we come back into the real world now you have to multiply the 100 women by some crazy amount but the moral is still the same. These professionals have seen it all before and really really do not care about any of the things you are embarrassed or worried about! I mean when I first spoke to my professionals about having my test done I was embarrassed about getting it done but once it was put into perspective I really did not care about anything other than having my test done! A slight bit of embarrassment for 5 minutes or potentially loose my life. I’ll let you decide that one.

I’m healthy and so don’t need to go

Another reason I hear a lot for people to not attend their smear test is because they are healthy and so do not need to go. My question to these people is how can you be 100% sure that you are healthy? The truth is every individual has there own opinion of what healthy is and what may be healthy to one person could be totally different to another. You see in reality cervical cancer can have no physical signs which means it can be living away in us and we would have no clue what so ever until it is to late to do anything about it. Do not get me wrong some people do have symptoms and get them checked out to find they have it but others have no signs whatsoever and because they don’t get checked they end up loosing their life because of the disease that can be prevented if caught early enough. So if I am being honest nobody knows if they are totally healthy and feeling healthy does not mean that you are. My tip here would be that no matter how healthy and happy you feel please just take five minutes out of your day to get the test done. At the end of the day it will come back one of two ways; you will either get the clear and be able to live life for another 3-5years (age dependant) until you need to have it again, or it’ll come back and further tests will be needed, but remember these further tests do not mean you have cervical cancer it just means a little more investigation needs to take place before the right cause of treatment can be given. For example I have a friend who is a year older than me and she went for her cervical screening test but her test came back abnormal. She underwent a few more tests before it was found that she was clear of cancer but had an infection in her cervix that needed to be treated. You see the truth is there are many reasons why you may have abnormal cells in your cervix and getting this result does not mean you have cancer it simply means your cells need to be looked into a little bit more usually through a biopsy or other tests to clarify the reason for the abnormal cells. But I can tell you that you will not be the only one to have abnormal results back if this is the case and due to having your smear you have a higher chance at finding out the reason behind it and getting the right treatment.

So I finish this blog asking every women out there who reads this blog to go and have their cervical screening examination. The appointment will be over before you know it and you really have nothing to worry or be embarrassed about. By having the test done you are within the 75% of women who can get the correct treatment and prevent cervical cancer. Yes going through the screening process, waiting for the results and undergoing more tests can be scary, embarrassing, worrying and so many more things but it will always be worth it.

If you are worried, have questions about it or want to know more then please please please talk to your doctor or look on websites such as Jos Trust who are dedicated to providing information and help around the screening process.

From someone who understands the implications of not attending your screening personally please please please just get it done.

Love Always

Simply Su XxxX

 

2018 to 2019

So today marks the close of 2018 and the beginning of a new year. With this comes a new blog entry looking at the events I have passed through in 2018, the things I have learnt in 2018 along with what I hope to take with me into 2019.

If you know me well or have read my previous blogs you will know that this year has been a bit of a weird one. I begun the year happy that I had made it through one year and had now entered a new one although not knowing how or if I was even going to make it to the end of it. Throughout the year I have lost some of the most supportive people in my life and I have had to come to terms with not having them around anymore. I also got engaged and believed life couldn’t get any better than that and was the happiest I had felt for years. Then I have fought for my job, my health and relationships more than ever before. As I come to the end of the year I find myself stood at a set of traffic lights stuck on amber not knowing weather it should turn green or red. For me at the moment I have no idea which way the light will go and what I will do however I do know that it has enabled me to pause and look over the year reminding myself of the lessons I have learnt from the year.

My biggest lesson from this last year is that my life is just that MY LIFE and I can do and be whatever I want to when I am ready and only when I am ready. Up until this year I have spent a lot of my time concentrating on the life I’ve lead and how I have done so. The biggest thing that I realised was that a lot of the decisions I was making about my life where made through other people’s opinions. For example I would often attend a social event because I was told it was expected of me or because I should be there. However I have now learnt that I do not have to go to these events, yes people might want me there, or say they need me there but if I don’t want to go then my gosh I do not have to go! I mean why go to an event if you’re just going to be grumpy as hell, wish you were in bed the whole time, not interact with anyone and sit there counting down the minutes (or seconds in my case) until you can finally leave and do what you want. Shall I tell you something? There is no why, because if you don’t want to go then you simply say no and don’t bother going. It is your choice if you go and it is your choice because it is your life and in your life you do what you want to do! So this year I have definitely learnt this lesson a lot more and my gosh towards the end of the year I have lost count how many times I have said that I’m not attending something that others wanted me to. If you’re reading this and need a little nudge in this area just ask yourself whose life are you really living and if the answers not your own life then think about how you can change this. Remember you only get one life and everyone around you gets their life too so just live yours for yourself and let them live theirs for themselves.

My second lesson has been based upon the support I have received over the last year. As many will know I have a pretty good professional support team as well as good bunch of friends who try their best to support me through my battles. The support I have received has not always been welcomed by myself which has meant at times I have ignored it and not listened to it. Yes at times it has worked out that I should’ve listened to them and I have gone through more stress by ignoring them but I also believe that sometimes this has been for the better because I have learnt so much more by figuring it out for myself and not following others advice and support. Despite saying this there have been times over the year when the support and advice I have been given yet not agreed with I have followed through with. At times doing this has also caused me more stress and upset however at the end of the day once I have followed it through and the challenge is over it has worked out better for me overall. An example of this was earlier this year when I got suspended from work due to my mental health and I wanted to throw the towel in and now fight it however my doctor and a few others told me to fight it and offered me support as I went through the six week battle. When I got to the end of the six weeks I found that I had my job back, I realised just how strong and determined I was, I gained a stronger realisation of where my working life was at and I found out who truly cared. In honesty those six weeks where hell for me and each day that I woke up I didn’t want to face the day but at the end of the weeks I was happy that I did. You see the support I received during this trial was not the support I wanted at all (I mean I would’ve been happy for everyone to tell me to hand my notice in) but it was the support I needed at the time. A few months on from this situation I am now grateful that I went through this trial and I can see the positives from the trial. Do not get me wrong I am not happy that I went through it and I still disagree with some of what happened but what I have gained from this challenge in my life means so much more to me that it has turned into a positive experience of support and not a negative one which is how it all begun. So in 2019 I plan on remembering that not all negative trials are going to resolve with a negative solution because they can and will be positives at times. Sometimes I guess we just have to ride the wave, take the support and see what the result turns out to be. This is what I hope to do a little more in 2019.

In 2018 I have also learnt that life is about the minutes we go through and not the years. Throughout life we go through so so many more minutes than we do years yet everyone focuses on the years as the pass by and not the minutes or moments that pass us by. I mean why do we do this, if we counted up the good moments in our life and then counted up the good years we have had I am sure that the number of good moments would be so much higher than the years yet we still focus more on the years rather than anything else. To be honest I do not really have an answer as to why as humans we do this but I do know that it needs to change. As I look back over the 25 years I have had in this world I see so many sad, hurt, angry years that I just want to sit here and forget about, but at the same time I look over the years and see some happy, loving, cheerful, funny moments that I have had which bring smiles back to my face. In therapy we have a quote (well it’s our motto) that we are reminded of every session and that is; ‘Take life minute by minute not day by day because the minutes are what make the day and as long as you face the minutes to get to the end of the day then nothing else matters!’ This is my weekly reminder that life is about those moments not the years. So as I sit here and look back over 2018 I would probably describe the year as a horrid one and one I would be happy to forget all about, but as I look at the minutes/moments I have faced in this same year I see some happy, funny times that I want to remember forever. Due to this I plan on focusing more on the minutes I will go through in 2019 and not the year as a whole. I also challenge you as my readers to see if you can do this too, maybe even start a journal or something similar so that you can write down and reflect on the good moments of 2019 and of course let me know how you get on and if you notice a difference in yourself.

As I look back to the start of 2018 I see a group of people who where there for me, supporting me and encouraging me to be the best I could be. However as I look around me now at the end of one year/the start of another I see a totally different group of people around me (okay some are the same but not many). I guess my point here is that people come and go throughout our life which is totally okay. Yes having people support you for a while before then leaving you for one reason or another is tough and my gosh don’t I know it. However it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. One thing I have learnt this year is that every person in our life has a reason for being there, sometimes it’s to offer a cuddle or a laugh or a good time whilst others are there to teach us a lesson, support us through a trial or something else. Each person has a limited time in our lives in order to achieve their purpose and at times it might mean that the individual is with us for the long haul whilst others are only there for a month or so. If I am being honest this has been told to me so many times over my life (I mean I would probably rich if I collected a pound for each time someone said it to me) but has only really sunk in over the last few months. When people used to leave my life for whatever reason I used to take it pretty personally like as though it was something I had done for them to leave me. This year however I have come to the knowledge that this is life and it is going to continue to happen until I take my last breath in this world, but that is okay! I mean is it going to be tough? Yes. Is it going to be upsetting? Yes. Is it going to take some getting used to? Yes. Am I going to hate it? Probably. Is it going to be worth it? YES!! You see each time someone leaves you a little door is open for someone else to join you in your life. Although this year my support system has changed and I am sure it’ll change again throughout the year I still have some amazing people around me who make sure I am okay, that I’m smiling  and that I’m winning at life. So this year if people choose to leave my life I am going to try and be alright with it, and yes there may be a few tears and a bit of upset but after that I will pick myself up and continue my journey waiting to see who will join my journey next and what they will bring to my life.

If you have read my previous blog entry you will be more than aware of this next lesson that I have learnt in 2018. In 2019 I hope and aim to be a more positive person (yup you can laugh and remind me of this if you see me negative at any point this year) and in order to do this I am saying goodbye to anyone who brings me negative vibes. The truth is we all have negative people in our life and my gosh if you’ve got me in your life then that’s one person right there!! However these negative people don’t need to stay in our life or have control within us but that doesn’t mean you can all get rid of me! What I mean is that if these people are bringing you down and making you feel worse about life then it is more than okay to take a step back from them. If you feel you want them in your life then keep them there but it doesn’t mean you can’t take a step back for a bit and focus on you, but if you feel that you are better off without them in your life then wave them goodbye. After all if they are only bringing negativity to your life then why are you keeping them around. Recently I did a life check, which meant I went through my phone contacts, my Facebook, my Instagram, my diary and I removed or deleted any individual on there who I believe makes me feel worse about life or brings negative vibes into my life. Why did I do this? because I need positive people in my life who are going to make me happy and enjoy my life. 2019 is all about me and I know I can only do that if I have  people around me who love me, care about me and are positive which means bye bye negative people. So if you feel you need more positivity in your life then why not give it a try and I can guarantee that as you say goodbye to the negative people in your life, the positive people will fill the gap up!

I am sure you have all heard of the quote; ‘There is a reason behind everything’ and well if you haven’t heard it before you have now. Anyhow this a very popular phrase and one I probably hear at least once a week in my life from someone around me. When people used to say this to me I used to either laugh at them or came back with some sarcastic comment as though they were talking total rubbish. Actually lets face it at times I still reply with a stupid comment, especially the phrase ‘I would love to know what that reason is’ which in fact I used only yesterday. However the difference now is that I am more accepting of the idea that there is a reason behind everything that happens. I mean I do not always agree with the reason and my gosh at times I would still love to know what the reason is but in general these days I know deep down in me that there is a reason. You see I am beginning to accept that the reason will be shown to me or learnt by myself when it is needed to be known and until that point I just have to get on with things. In reality yes I would love to know the reason at the time of the trial however I’m starting to understand that sometimes if I know the reason why before then there would be no point going through it! So in 2018 I have come to accept more that there is always a reason behind everything it’s just sometimes we have to wait to find out that reason. In 2019 I hope to live more in the moments and through the trials without always looking for a reason as to why I am facing the trial in the first place and let the reason find me when it is ready to do so.

My final lesson from 2018 that I hope to take with me into 2019 is that life is tough and pain is real but that’s totally okay because as long as we keep going we will be okay. In 2018 and the years before this I have felt a lot of pain and life has been ridiculously tough. I mean if we briefly look back over the years I see times where I would rather have died and have tried to end my life in order to stop the pain and trials of life, whilst at other times I have shut myself off from the world and ignored everyone due to the pain of life. Throughout the years I have believed that life would never get better and at times the pain I was in was stupid, not worth it and totally not okay. So in 2018 I still felt a lot of these things, in fact I’ve probably felt all of it from wanting to die to being worthless and rubbish with irrelevant pain. However I have also learnt that it is totally okay to feel all of this and as long as you have a reason for it then nothing else matters. The truth is people cannot and will not understand the pain and trials you face in life unless they have been through it too and even then your pain could be totally different. So you see your pain is real and that is simply because it is real to you and the trial that you are facing at the moment you face that specific pain. The truth is others can try to understand it by talking with you but they will never fully understand it. One of the truest things I have heard this past year was from my psychiatrist when she sat directly opposite me and said this; ‘I can have as many qualifications as I wish to study for and I can sit in this room with millions of different clients listening and helping them come to terms with their trials in life but the one thing I will never be able to do is understand the full amount of pain and trauma each one of those clients faces. My room will always be here, my ears will always be open and the skills I have learnt will be ready to put into action to aid each client but that is all I can do.’ When she first said this to me I looked at her totally baffled like if she couldn’t understand my pain then how on earth is anybody else suppose to be able to? After talking for a couple of moments she revealed to me that was not her point instead she was trying to get me to see that the pain and emotions I feel are okay to feel. You see weather others understand the trials we are going through or the pain we feel in these situations is totally irrelevant because it is not them going through it, we are. Therefore in 2019 I have decided that I will no longer hide my pain or trials from those who support me (yes that means they’ll be hidden from some) and you don’t have to hide it either. The pain you feel is real and it is okay to feel it. At the end of the day all that matters is that we have tried our best to get to the end of each day and if at the end of the day you can lay in bed knowing that you’ve tried your best for that day with the willpower to face a new day tomorrow then that is all that matters! You just have to keep going and that is what I will be trying to do in 2019.

So that is it, these are the lessons I have learnt in 2018 and hope to use and expand on over 2019. In reality I have no idea what 2019 holds for me, for you and everyone else in this world but I do know that it can be filled with happiness, discovery, love, laughter as well as pain, suffering and tears. The truth is we will each face challenges over the coming year but we do not know when they will arrive or what they will be and so until then live in the moment, make memories and live the life you want. We do not know if we will still be here at the end of 2019 and the truth is that not all of us will be here for one reason or another but for now lets take each new day as it comes, remembering the lessons of 2018 and learning more in 2019.

I hope it is a happy new year for all my readers but know that if it’s not that’s okay too! Your time and happiness will come!

Love Always

Simply Su XxxX

Getting your life back…

In recent months many people have been asking me about how I have got my life back to where it is now despite all I have been through and so I thought I would use this blog to answer this very question.

First of all I want to make it clear that I do not have my life back 100% to how I want it but then I guess if you ask most people in society if their life is what they want it to be they would probably say no. I guess it is a no because in life there is always something that we want and we are always working towards something else in life. However for me there is an extra reason as to why my life is not back to where I want it be and this is because it’s something that is impossible for me to get. You see when I sit and think or talk about my life there is always one thing that I have had in the past and want again but yet I know I will never get it in this life. This one thing is my family…yup you read that right. Yes my family have been horrible to me and hurt me in ways some can only imagine and never understand but at the end of each day they are my family. At some point over the years they loved me, they cared for me and supported me. We had times when we laughed together, cried together and made many memories together of which I will never forget and wish I could just have one more day with them to make new memories such as the ones I have. Due to this there will always be a small part of me which will never get to the point that I want it to be at because it can never happen.

Despite saying this one way in which we get our lives back to where we want them to be is through acknowledgement and acceptance. Over the past six months or so I have been working hard with my support teams in order to be able to acknowledge and accept that this small part of me will never be the same again. I have spent much time looking at the childhood I had and talking through it so that I could reach a point where I could acknowledge that it has happened to me and that is okay because it is my life. I have been able to acknowledge that it is okay for me to get upset over what has happened to me and what I have essentially lost due to my upbringing. However I have also had to learn to accept what has happened and how my life has been so so different to those around me and how this is okay too. Growing up many people told me that once I have accepted the events of my life I would be able to move on throughout my life. Well the truth is I do not think I will ever forget what has happened to me and it will always be apart of my story. Okay some days are harder than others to accept it and remind yourself of where you are now but it’s not impossible. Since I gained some acceptance of my life (yes I still have a way to go) focusing on the now has become easier and rebuilding my life to what I want my life to be has also become easier for me. So I would say the first step to getting your life back to how you want it to be is to accept things haven’t been what you’ve wanted them to be but that’s okay.

My second step to getting your life back is to look at those around you! A little while back I went through my phone contacts followed by my Facebook friends and then my diary address book and I realised just how many people I had a connection with but yet knew very little about or had little to no contact with. So as I went through these I deleted those who I didn’t really speak to, who I had no connection or interest in and those who had a negative impact on me and trust me there were a lot of deleted people from the life of simply su that day. I am not saying that you need to do the same as what I did but I will tell you that it has had a massive impact on me. You see I didn’t realise just how many of my ‘friends’ brought me down or lowered my mood or even helped me to validate my awful mood (seriously it was awful). The truth is there were so many people who over the years I had built friendships with because we were going through similar things or we battled recovery together or they simply let me get away with things because of where my life was at the time. Please do not get me wrong sometimes in life we need these kinds of people around us but at the same time we need those people who build us, lift us up, praise us, encourage us and remind us why we are here. The truth is the people we surround ourselves with are those who can help build and mold us into the person we are meant to be. Since changing some of my social circle I and others have seen such a difference in me. These people can and do remind me of my future, they remind me of what I have to live for, they remind me of my laugh or my smile or my wakey ways (yeah apparently I have a few), they remind me why I am here and why I get up each day. I know that if I had not evaluated my social circle I probably would not be getting my life back to where I want it to be because I seriously thought my life was okay as it was, even though now looking at it I know it certainly was not. So second step take a look at those around you, are they truly good for you, are the helping you or are they holding you back and bringing you down.

My third step to getting your life back to what you want is to find things you are interested in and then do them!! This one sounds so blinking simple yet is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to accept and implement. I think once you have hit a wall in your life you see no way out of it and you feel as though nothing you could ever do could make your life better. Wrong!! In all honesty this is one of the biggest lies you are telling yourself. Everyone in life has some form of interest or hobby that they love to do weather it be dancing, writing, reading or many many more we all have something. Other than my obvious ones one of my biggest interests is exercise I just simply love it plus it keeps me nice and fit. When I got ill and did not care all that much about my life my exercise stopped because I just could not see the point in doing it. I mean I didn’t even want to be alive so why bother exercising, what was the point in going to the gym or the studio or going for a run, to me there just was no point. However when I decided that this life was mine and I wanted it I slowly begun to introduce my hobbies back into my life. I simply begun by going for a walk for 10 minutes and then slowly I increased this time until I was back at the gym etc and doing what I love best…I mean today people told me I was crazy because it was full on raining like pouring it down and I still went to the gym. By adding an activity that I enjoy to my life it has made me happier and given me a little bit of me back. If I am honest this is still a step that I am working on and slowly I am adding activities to my routine that I enjoy and want to participate in. By doing this I look forward to a particular event in a day or weekend which at the end of the day brings me that little bit more positivity. So my third step to getting your life back to how you want it to be is to add things in that you are interested in and then make sure you carry them out.

The fourth step to getting your life back to what you want it to be is to be positive. Okay so this is probably the hardest step ever to follow through with and the one that I myself find hard at some point within everyday. When I say to be positive I do not for one second mean that you should walk around with a smile plastered across your face, laughing and telling everyone how fantastic life is. After all lets face it everyone in this world has bad days where they are unable to smile, laugh and remain positive. Plus what kind of world would this be if everyone did that, I bet it would be a very strange unrealistic one that is for sure. Having bad days is totally okay and expected in this life but it is how we get through them and face the challenges of the day that matters. I have come to learn and am slowly accepting that there is something positive in everyday even if the majority of the day has been horrible. For example just a little while ago I had a horrible day and one that just felt like it was getting worse with every moment that passed me by and I could not see anything positive within it. Later that day as I sat watching the tele trying to figure out what my next move was my phone went off and it simply had a message with the words ‘You are strong and doing better than you were this time last year.’ The person that sent that message had no idea how much it was needed or meant to be but that small message allowed me to reflect on my situation and I was able to see that I was better than this time last year and with that I felt that little glow. That glow was that little bit of positivity for that day which enabled me to get up the following morning, face the day and find my next bit of positivity. Some days these messages don’t come and there are days where I cannot see the positive but I try my hardest to look around me to see them or if I still struggle I ask someone. Yup you read that right when I don’t have the ability to find my own positive I ask those I love to find it for me and trust me they have never failed me yet. Every time I have asked them for a positive thing they have been able to give me it and it has then been down to me to listen to it, acknowledge what has been said and then believe it for myself. Yes it can be hard and yes there are days I may not want to believe it but that is my choice and it is those days I look back at and see the old me with a life that’s not all I want it to be. So positivity is one million percent a part of how you find the life you want and then keep that life. It can be a daily decision to do it but when you really want the life that you want for yourself you will find that positivity and as you find it you will build up that life that you want and need for yourself.

That brings me nicely onto step number five. This life is your life, it is not your mums, sisters, dad, other half, friends, childs life, it is YOUR life. As it is your life it is your choice to make it what you want it. The truth is that nobody can make your life for you, you have to do it yourself and for yourself. Okay I know that may hit a little hard but it’s so true. Growing up I always believed that my life was set due to what had happened to me, like my path was written out and I was just going to follow it. Due to being a child in care I was not suppose to go to school, was meant to get a flat and loose it, end up in debt being homeless or even in prison. This was the life that was set out for me and to be honest for a long time I was happy to live this life at times trying to prove them wrong and other times just following the stages as I was supposed to. One day however I sat in front of someone and they asked me what I wanted from my life and you could probably guess I had no idea what I wanted from my life and I didn’t think I could change were my life was going. Oh my goodness how wrong was I! After a very long journey and debate I was able to see that my life could be whatever I wanted it to be, yes I could follow this track that people had set out for me due to my upbringing or I could change it and make it into what I wanted my life to be. It has taken it’s time and there are still so many aspects of my life I am trying to figure out now but I am now able to plan out my own life and make decisions for myself as to what I am doing and where I am going. Okay do not get me wrong I still need reminders and I often find people asking me what it is I really want from my life but with the questions and support around me I am able to figure it all out for myself. I am able to make the decisions for myself and plan my life around me and what I want from my life and not what others want from me or expect of me. You see so the reality is you can have your life however you want to have your life and reach goals within it BUT you have to choose to do it and then carry out the actions to make it happen. My goodness it will take time and practice but trust me when I say you are not alone in this and those around you will aid you if you ask for it and you will have the life you want.

I guess in order to get the life you want you also need to achieve my step number six which is to be honest with yourself. When I say you have to be honest with yourself I mean like honest right down to that core of yours. I often found that when I was or am in a bad frame of mind I was also lying to myself and those around me. Often I would convince myself and others that I was okay, that I was happy with my life, that I was content and that my life could not ever get any better. However when I begun to look at my life a little deeper and begun to work things out I was forced into the biggest reality check I think I have ever experienced in my life and one I hope I will never experience again. I had to come to the truth of myself that my life was not at all what I wanted it to be and that I really was not happy with the life that I was living. It was not until I came to this knowledge and was honest with myself that I was able to move on and begin to think about getting my life back to where I wanted it to be. As I started to be more and more honest with myself I was able to realise just how much of my life was a mess and was not near what I wanted it to be. I then found that slowly I was able to plan things and think logically a little more about what my life was and what I really wanted it to be. In life we often hear that honesty is the key to any relationship so why do so many of us ignore this when it comes to the relationship we have with ourselves when it is one of, if not the most important relationships we have. If we do not have an open and honest relationship with ourselves how can we even know what it is we really want from life and if we do not know what we want in life then nobody else around can help us figure it out. Yes it can take time and it can be one of the scariest things to admit and work on but it is one of the most important and beneficial things we can ever do in our life. So I ask you if you really want to get your life back on track to where you want it to be are you being honest with yourself? Do you truly know what you want in your life? Are you open to some hard work? If the answer is yes then you can do it and I have faith in you to achieve it just keep that honesty with yourself and then with those who are willing to help you!

My seventh and final step to getting your life back to how you want it to be is to take one day at a time. I know it sounds really simple but it’s another of those tough ones. Having life how you want it is a daily decision that you have to make and it is one that nobody else can ever make for you. As you get up in the morning you have to decide weather you are going to live life today as you have lived it previously back in the past and how others wanted you to live or are you going to get up and live life today how you want to live it. Trust me when I say there are days you wake up and think you can’t do it today and it is easier to live the life you have been given as those around you expect you to live it and then there are days you wake up and it is easy as pie to live the life you want for yourself. When you get these days it is great and the more you work at it the more frequent these days will be and your life will be how you want it to be. However when those days come when you don’t feel you can do it that is okay too, sometimes we need to go through these days in order to make it to the next and this is totally okay. I mean I still have these days where I spend the whole day looking back and living in my past and the life that has given me but I have learnt to accept this. Those around you may not like it and can get discouraged at you being back in that place but that’s okay too, it shows they care about it and want to see you happy. I have some people in my life that cannot deal with seeing me on these days and that is okay too because I know that they will be back and it’s tough for others just like it is for me. Despite this I also know that the good, happy days are here too and they will come back it’s just a small blip in life which guess what, everybody goes through and as you build up your support you will see this but you will also see those around you support you on the tougher days and remind you of the good days to come. At the end of the day it is our choice what we do on the bad days we get but I have learnt that by looking at life day by day or even minute by minute (on those really horrid days) life is manageable and it will pass. Each day that we pass through gives us that little bit of life back that we may have thought at one point wasn’t possible to have. So I say to you if you want your life back or want your life as you want it then take it day by day or minute by minute and soon enough you will see your life take the shape you want it to.

Right so they are my seven steps or stages for you to get your life back to how you want it to be. Each day that I get up I continue to go through these seven stages and as I look into my future I can see myself following these seven steps for a very long time but the length of time does not matter one little bit. What matters is that you get to live the life that you truly want to live. Is it hard? Yes! Does it hurt? Yes! Is it worthwhile? Yes, Yes Yes!! Is everyone going to agree with your choices? I doubt it! But do you know what none of that really matters because what does matter is that you are happy with the life you are living. As I sit here and type this to you all I can see a staircase in front of me that I still have to climb to get me to where I want to be. I sit here and see me walking up and down the stairs as I face future hurdles and joyous moments ahead of me. I sit here scared about what I may have to face and about the days I may not wish to face. I sit here and see myself laughing and enjoying the memories I am going to make in the life that I want to live. Finally I sit here and look back and where I have come from, I see the challanges I have faced and the trials I have been through that have made me who I am today. Most importantly though I sit here looking at a life ahead of me that I do not know where it is going but I know that I am in control of it and you can be in control of yours too. These seven steps have helped me to get my life back to a place that I want it to be (most days) and as I continue in my journey I am sure I will find other steps and you will too as you make this same journey for yourself. I hope for each of you that it is a positive journey but know it’s all good to have those not so good days too.

Love Always

Simply Su xxxx

What do you love?

Okay so I was set a challenge a little while back. To many the challenge would be seen as a simple and possibly insignificant one however over recent weeks I have found it to be one of the hardest things I have ever been asked to do. The challenge was this: to find 100 things that I love. When I was given this I was told it could be anything from a flower I walk past to a comment somebody says to me. Over the last couple of weeks I have spent time thinking and looking around me to find these 100 things and this blog covers these 100 things.

1. Priesthood Blessings

2. The colour purple

3. Ellie-May

4. Dance

5. Unicorns

6. Diet coke

7. Chicken

8. White chocolate mouse

9. Winnie the Pooh

10. The greatest showman

11. Annie

12. Hastings

13. S Club 7

14. Fur Trees

15. Shoes

16. Seaside

17. 3 peaks

18. Photographs

19. Music

20. Books by Jenny Malloy

21. Jeans

22. Rain

23. Operation Christmas child holidays

24. Hatfield garden

25. Contributing to charity

26. Facebook

27. Pineapple

28. Rings

29. Smell of rain

29. Gloop

30. Dublin

31. Hairbands

32. Cornet

33. Matt

34. Pringles

35. My phone

36. My job

37. Netflix

38. Candles

39. Buskers

40. Book of Mormon

41. Ice cream

42. Quotes

43. Scrapbooking

44. Musicals

45. West end

46. Lunch dates with friends

47. Country walks

48. Long drives

49. Heart felt conversations

50. Lazy days

51. YSA family

52. My ward families

53. Late night phone calls

54. Nail varnish

55. Random messages from friends

56. Date night’s

57. Game night’s

58. Sacrament

59. Scenic views

60. Disney

61. Blogging

62. Picnics

63. The canal

64. Relaxing baths

65. My bed

66. Instagram

67. Public transport

68. Curry goat with rice and peas

69. Sun cream and after sun

70. Spotify

71. What’s app

72. Reeces

73. Online shopping

74. Neices

75. Foster family

76. Ice skating

77. Sing alongs

78. Pepsi max cherry

79. Hugs/Cuddles

80. Custard (Warm)

81. Ben and Jerry’s

82. Skype calls

83. Snapchat

84. Taylor (Smidstar)

85. Carrie Underwood

86. Costco

87. A Child’s Prayer (Song)

88. Screen Protectors for my phone

89. My support system

90. America’s got talent

91. Simon Cowell

92. Yoghurt

93. Sophie Evans

94. YouTube

95. The perfume shop

96. Starbucks

97. Sweet things

98. Pinterest

99. My doctors and medical team

100. Blankets

Throughout the weeks of completing this challenge I have learnt that there is at least one thing in a day that you can come to love no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. I also learnt that it is these little things that can bring us each hope to keep going and love the world we live in. Sometimes yes it is hard and my gosh there have been days whilst I’ve fulfilled this challenge that I’ve wanted to give it up, where I’ve lost hope and seen nothing to love in my life, however as days have passed me by I’ve found something to love and keep me going. It’s hard to remember all the time but I know with every little bit of me that there is always always something to love in life.

I finish this blog post with a challenge to all of my readers. I challenge you to do as I have done and make a list of 50 to 100 things that you love. It doesn’t matter how small or big the thing is just write it down and when you feel low or need a small reminder of love read through your list and remind yourself that there is always something in life to love!

Love Always

Simply Su XxxX

A year on…

This week just passed has been Mental Health Awareness Week however more than this, the week just passed also marked a year since my last serious life-threatening suicide attempt.

Last April and May I was under my local Mental Health Crisis team, my GP, a psychologist and a psychiatrist. These people all new that things were not right with me and that my illnesses were taking full control of me and all we needed was for them to stop or be controlled in some way. Despite all the help I was being given it felt like I was in a ticking time-bomb and everybody around me was just watching and waiting. Weeks passed us by whilst I spent time harming myself in small ways which soon led on to more serious ways until one day everything stopped. For a period of time all I could feel was numbness, and the urge to be sick, and anger beyond any anger I had ever felt before. I had attempted suicide, my life was now in the hands of the medical team around me as my body fought to stay alive whilst my mind fought to close off and die. As you can tell from reading this my body won the fight that day and I survived to be able to remember and continue the story of life. Although I survived it was not all good. A year on I am unable to take any over the counter pain medication, I have to regularly see medical professionals to check my lungs and liver are okay and most of all I have to check in with medical professionals more regularly than ever before. On top of this I have all the emotions from the day such as anger, disappointment, worthlessness and many more.

It has now been a year since I spent time in hospital fighting to be alive and many ask me, if I could would I change what I did back then and in short my answer is simply no. There is no way at all I would change what I did back then and my reason is pretty simple. Back when I decided to end my life it was exactly what I wanted to do. In my life at that time it was my only option, it was the best outcome for not only myself but everyone around me. Those in my life would no longer have to worry about me or keep a check on me and I would no longer have to live the horrific life I was facing each day. You see at the time I made the decision to take my own life I strongly believed that nobody loved me, nobody cared about me, nobody wanted me, that everyone would be better off without me, that life would be easier with me gone, that I was only here to be hurt, that nobody would miss me and many many more thoughts. In the years leading up to this point I opened up to a few people in my life and they tried their best to get me to see it another way but for me there was no other way. You see the thing with mental illnesses is that at times they are so powerful that they literally do control everything and they rule what you say, think and do each and everyday.

A year on I am still surrounded by an amazing team of professionals who are all trying to help me gain control of my illness. Over the previous year I have started my recovery journey but I know that it is going to be a very long hard battle that I will face daily. It has been one year in recovery so far and I have faced many challenges in this first year. The first one I have had to face is a new diagnosis. Before this year I was told I had Depression and anxiety which with medication should be treatable, however in the last year I have learnt I have a serious case of Psychosis, depression, anxiety and Complex PTSD. The day I was finally given this diagnosis was another day I felt like ending my life again, after all why should I have to live with this. However what then made it worse was that I was told some of these illnesses I would have for life. These illnesses could be controlled through therapy and medication which would help me live the average life but they would never fully leave me. Following this the challenge of therapy would arise both one to one therapy and group therapy. I will not lie when I say I HATED the idea of therapy, I mean was it not bad enough that I have to live with these illnesses but I now had to go and talk about them to a bunch of random people who probably wont understand me. Well I can now say therapy was a good idea, yes it was one the hardest steps I have ever had to take but it is worthwhile in the long run. The final big challenge I had to face over the year was not giving in and taking my own life again. I was going through therapy and taking medication but that did not stop the thoughts or feelings of life which meant there were several days I wanted to just once again remove myself from this world. Of course I have faced many more challenges than just these three but these were my biggest ones during the first year of recovery.

The last year has not been plain sailing and it would be wrong if I ended this blog by saying that I have attended therapy, learnt techniques, take my medication and am now on the mend in my recovery journey. However if I did this I would be lying not just to you my readers but also to myself. In the last year the suicidal thoughts are still there and at times they are still followed through with. In reality I still fight the thought of suicide weekly and at times they are even daily. The difference is that I now have a team of people around me who I know I can contact, who will then support me through the thoughts and compulsions if caught early enough. Sometimes the help is not asked for early enough and due to this there have been times over the year that I have acted on the thoughts and tried to take my life again with the most recent example only being a couple of weeks ago. Luckily for myself and others there are teams ready to jump into action and help me as soon as they are made aware. The thoughts of worthlessness, lonliness, self-hate all continue to try and take control of me and of course there are days when they win, however there are also days when they loose. There are days they are pushed back down, told to be quiet and ignored until they leave on their own accord.

So you see a year on I remain in recovery, I continue to fight my illnesses minute by minute. Every morning when I wake up I take my medication and promise myself that I will get through as much of the day I can. Sometimes for me this means I get through thirty minutes of the day before having to go back to bed and hide from the world. Other times for me if means facing a day at work before getting home and collapsing on the floor unable to fight any longer. Some days it means going to work then the gym or for a walk before meeting friends for a catch up. Then other days it’s not even getting out of bed at all. You see each day is different and I do not know which way my day will go until my eyes open each morning. Just as I do not know what way my day is going to go those around me also have no idea either which means my mood can change in a split second and there is very little anybody can do other than keep going with me.

This past week I have sat and read blogs and posts from people regarding mental health awareness and as I read them I feel slight peace as I realise once more that I am not alone in my journey. I am also reminded that it does not matter how many relapses we each have because what matters is how we get through the relapse and continue to fight to be here. The third biggest reminder I have had this past week is about how recovery is a daily battle for every sufferer and a choice that we each have to make, sometimes several times a day. You see some of us may never fully recover and that in honesty is one of my biggest struggles with this life, (I mean why try and get better if in reality you’re never really going to get better) but we can fight in recovery to become stable. This is my hope for everyone that suffers from a mental illness, even if we are never going to be fully recovered from our illness I hope that we find a stable ground in our recovery that enables us to live a life that we are each happy and proud of.

As I end this blog I know I am not at the place I want to be and I know I have a long way to go in my recovery to find my stable happy point but I hope that one day I will find it weather it be in months or years! When we come to the next Mental Health awareness week I don’t know if I will still be blogging and I don’t know where I will be on my recovery journey or if I will even be on this earth fighting for recovery at all but I do know that more awareness will be raised and people will be fighting for themselves or their loved ones. I hope that in years to come we wont need these weeks because Mental Health Illnesses will become accepted in society but until then I hope those suffering will continue to speak up and fight as much as they can.

For those fighting a battle keep fighting, I do not know if I will ever get better but I do believe that the fight we are each fighting will become worthwhile to someone at some stage even if it’s not for ourselves.

Love Always

Simply Su Xxxx

Smile please

Before you read any further in this blog I would like you to just sit and think for a moment. Think about if you are ever told to smile more and if you ever tell those around you to smile more. As you think, think about how it makes you feel.

Now I do not know the background of any of my readers but I can imagine that being told to smile doesn’t make you want to smile. For me personally as I think about this it brings up a lot. This one short yet simple phrase makes me sad, angry and happy/hopeful all at the same time.

As I said when people around tell me to smile it makes me sad and this is for a few different reasons. Firstly it makes me sad to know that society cannot accept that life is hard and sometimes there is no reason to smile. Okay yes some may say that there is always something to smile about and man I would be a rich girl if I got given a pound for each time someone told me this. But what if in all seriousness the individual doesn’t have a reason to smile? What if for the individual their life is at its lowest point ever and there simply is nothing to smile about. In today’s society I have come to accept that not everyone is going to be able to understand how this must feel, but I do feel people should try to accept even without understanding.

The second reason it makes me sad is again to do with society, but this time it’s to do with society’s view on mental health. I strongly believe that sometimes when we suffer with a bad mental health day it is literally impossible to smile. If you’ve read my previous blogs you will know that I suffer with chronic depression. This means that sometimes it takes all my energy to simply get up and go to work and therefore I simply have no energy to smile. Yes you read that right my energy levels are already limited and because of this I have to asses in my mind where my energy is best spent. It’s sad but sometimes my answer is to spend it getting through the day without any breakdowns, episodes or anxiety attacks rather than simply smiling. So in honesty it makes me sad that I live in a world were others still don’t understand or even try to understand the horrible effects of a mental illness that does literally control everything when it wants to.

The third and final reason this question makes me sad is all down to the realisation it brings with it. I mean there are days that I know I’m not happy and with that comes the idea that I don’t smile as much as maybe others would like me to. When I have these days I am trying my best to distract myself from my feelings and get on with the days tasks such as work or a social event. However as soon as someone tells me to smile or cheer up I am once more reminded of how I’m actually not okay. I know some would say that it’s a good thing to accept and know how you’re really feeling but if this tips you over the edge, is it still a good thing? You see so actually by telling me to smile or by bringing up my low mood you actually only make me sadder or more awkward because I am drawn back to thinking about why I am sad and why I cannot get passed the sadness in that moment or day.

As I said towards the beginning of this post this one short and simple question also makes me incredibly angry. I guess some people may question why I let it get me angry but I ask these people if they would remain calm if they were constantly being told or asked to smile. It gets me angry for one small reason and that is people’s inability to understand the reasons behind the individual who is unable to smile. Please do not get me wrong I know that some people in society simply cannot understand depression and other mental health illnesses but these people do not make me angry. In reality I strongly think that if they could then they would try to understand and for some I believe that in their own way they do try to come to terms with the illnesses in the best way they can. What makes me angry is knowing that there are people out there who can understand it but choose not to or even choose to ignore it. I mean how can society move forward and work together when battling mental illness if so many still decide to ignore the affects it has on others around them. You see so my biggest question in my mind is how on earth can someone tell me to smile if they have no idea what I’m going through and what is in my head. So I guess in short we could say that society’s ignorance to mental health makes me angry, especially when I’m told to smile.

The final thought and/or feeling that comes to me when I am told to smile is that of being hopeful. There is one small and simple reason for this. In my mind if I see others around me smile or telling me to smile then I believe that they must have something to smile about, no matter how big or small. In that individuals life they must have something or see something to smile about, weather it be the Sun, the air, their family, literally anything. You see the idea that those around me have something to smile about gives me hope that one day I will too have something to smile about. I know in that moment or day I may have absolutely nothing to smile about or be hopeful for but the moment I hear this phrase ‘smile’ it reminds me that someday soon I may just be able to smile.

So as I come to the close of this blog entry I ask you my readers one thing. I ask that once more you think about how it makes you feel when you are told to smile and then think about how it would make you feel if you were told to smile yet suffered with a mental health condition. Do you feel the same as you did when you started this blog? Just think about it for a moment. Next time you want to tell someone around you to smile I ask you to think about what you have read here and then consider if you still wish to tell them to smile.

If you are reading this and struggling to smile I ask you to hold on. Yes life is tough and yes at this moment there may not be a reason for you to smile but hold on because one day that smile will come. Oh and when I say the smile will come I mean a legit true and genuine smile will come!

Love Always

Simply Su xxxx

Expectations & Disapointments

I guess growing up everyone has expectations on them weather they come from teachers, parents, friends or even ourselves. As we grow up the pressures of the world change and therefore the expectations change also. However over the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about these expectations and how much they really affect us as growing individuals.

For me personally I have found that the expectations of me from others have weighed heavily upon me. At a young age as with many children I had the expectations of my parents/family and the local church. My family wanted me to grow up, have good grades at school, show good behavior, have a sense of myself and build my life up to be safe and secure by myself. Obviously as a member of the local church the people there also had expectations for me, there were rules that I had to abide by and I was expected to be a kind, loving, Christlike individual. If you have read my previous blogs then you will know that I didn’t actually spend much of my childhood at home with the family but for the time I did spend with them I believe that I managed to live up and fulfill these expectations that had been given to me. However little did I know that these would soon be changed and become harder to achieve.

At the age of nine I was taken into Local Authority Care and all the expectations of my life changed. Suddenly I was going to fail all of my education. I was also going to fall pregnant at a young age, become homeless and probably somewhere along the line break the law and not work. These became the expectations of my life and all because I was a child in care and my life was now unsettled. For many years whilst I grew up I became determined to prove these people wrong and I was going to break these expectations. In my mind I was going to school to get my qualifications before becoming a teacher and getting my own house before making a family. There was no way I was going to disappoint those I loved and live up to social services expectations.

To cut out all the inbetween bits I can say that other than gettting my GCSE’s and breaking the law I managed to live up to all of social services expectations. (If you want more detail you’ll have to read the blogs). Right now at the age of 24 I am able to look back and see that although I met some expectations I also became a disappointment to others by not meeting their expectations. You see in reality I was never going to be able to keep everyone happy and achieve everything that was expected of me but then again could I? As I look back I see that I met the expectations of the social system and added to their statistics but I disappointed those that brought me into the world, gave me life and taught me the truth behind life.

Overall I guess that nobody really wanted me to meet the expectations of the social system, but they were there. In fact they weren’t just there, they were literally there and growing up no matter where I turned I would be reminded of these facts and expectations. Growing up people used to say that if you were told something enough you would start to believe it and well I guess this is right. So so many people used to tell me about the expectations of children in care and looking back now I can say I fulfilled them pretty much all.

Did I want to fulfill them, heck no but I did and I kind of guess that’s just the way life goes. It’s happened and that is that really and it is something in life that I am unable to change. Although I know that by fulfilling them I have disappointed others in my life as well as myself. You see there are many people who have been in or are still part of my life that look back at these times and ask themselves and me why it happened. Why did I not fight against the expectations? Why did I let the stereotype of Looked after Children win? Often these people explain to me how sad and hurt it makes them to see my life plan out this way. Up until recently I have never really known how to answer or respond to people when they question these moments in my life. However I now have an answer and for these people to go along with their own thoughts. Yes I said their own thoughts, I mean I know that everyone who has ever spoken to me about how my life turned out and the disappointment I was to many have their own thoughts and feelings on it and in honesty I think if they thought about it their thoughts are probably pretty similar to mine.

Those who I have disappointed often say that they are hurt and sad for me because of how my life has planned out. But why? I mean i’m not sad that my life turned out this way so why should others be. Yes okay it is sad that I have had to move away from people I love and care about and I have had to go through some total rubbish that I wouldn’t wish on anybody but is that really sad? Okay maybe it is a little but for me it’s not…Yes I have a lot of stuff to work through and I have hurt many people by disappointing them but it has made me who I am now. At the end of the day everything that has happened to me has made into the person I am now. I am stronger because of the trials I have faced and in many ways I see it as life experience and for that I am grateful for everyone that I have disappointed and hurt along the way.

Although do not get me wrong I know I have hurt others through my life and through the disappointment that I became to them but most of all I have hurt myself and this is the biggest and hardest thing I have ever had to come to terms with. I mean in the nicest way possible hurting others is horrible but yet in my eyes easier to come to terms with. Throughout my life I have hurt many people and often if they are hurt so much then they walk away or they stay, they show me love and support me through the pain. You see so in a way hurting others and disappointing them is easier because you can work around and with it in order to fix that relationship as much or as little as you need to. However the pain and hurt I have to hold myself is one of the hardest things to come to terms with.

Growing up each time I disappointed someone in my life I also disappointed myself by letting those people down. If you have ever disappointed someone you will know how much pain you feel as you realise what you have done and this is exactly what I have felt although in a deeper sense. The pain I hold onto is one that I have learnt I have to live with and work through with some assistance, however I have also learnt that it is one that will never leave me. At the end of the day the things I have done have hurt and disappointed many in my life and is something that I am not able to change now. These things have happened and all I can do is live in the now and try to not disappoint anybody else.

Expectations and disappointments are two factors of life that everyone at some point will have to go through. As we do go through it we will feel happiness and pain. At times they will bring us great great joy and at other times they will bring us pain and heartache. Unfortunately this is a part of life and something we are not able to influence that much. We must simply live each day, and live it as we want to. If you meet an expectation smile, enjoy and celebrate it. If you meet a disappointment be sad and hurt but don’t live there. Life hurts and my gosh it can hurt so so much but I know that in some weird way it will be worthwhile. You may not always see it and you may not see the worthwhile attribute for years but at some point in the future I believe you will learn from it and that will  make it worth it.

I am finally beginning to accept that I have been and am at times a rather large disappointment. Does it hurt and cause me pain? Yes more than many will ever understand, but I have faith that one day I will see a reward for that disappointment and I hope if any of you reading this feel a disappointment you will keep fighting with me and wait for that reward to come.

Love Always

Simply Su xxxx